WRITTEN 3RD AUGUST, POSTED TODAY.
19th July was 4 years since we lost Pa. I found it ironic on the day that I was holding out for news of my Nan's latest test, all fine thankfully.
4 years seems like yesterday and an eternity all at once. Mostly it feels like an eternity at life events, like Simon's birth. I was sad that I wouldn't be able to introduce Simon to his Great Pa, but at those times we take what we can. And what I've taken, and never actually told anyone is that Simon reminds me often of Pa. Mostly, his hands. It's been that way since he was born. At the time I took it as a sign from Pa to say, I know and I see. Only recently have I found that it's not the shape of Simon's hands that remind me of Pa's, but the way in which he uses his hands in a less skilled way than most of us. Pa had arthritis in his hands and it effected what he could do. It became a larger part of his life, Pa the man that had the secret cure for everything, would often be seen in the backyard soaking his hands in a bucket of something or other to cure his pain.
As Simon grows and his personality shines thorough, and boy does it shine through, I often wonder what the men in my life were like at Simon's age. What was my Dad like? What was Pa like? Pa was the youngest of three boys so I draw many similarities to what it must have been like for his family. And some days, for his Mother, raising all boys! I like to think that some of the spunk that Simon shows came from way back along the family tree. It's funny how things are different, when Brian was younger I used to always draw similarities to what I thought Kevin was like growing up. We see so much in our children.
I'm blessed to be new and relatively inexperienced at riding this grief and loss roller coaster. I used to think that years changed things. And to some extent they do. But you don't forget and you don't stop missing and wishing your loved one was here. I think if anything the time gives you perspective.
For the record Brian, if you are reading this, you took comfort on this particular anniversary in knowing that you sprinkled soil on Great Pa's casket. It's a powerful healer I tell you.
I wanted most of all to bring you a video, a video of the time we arrived at my Grandparents house, I believe it was their first time meeting Brian. They were waiting out the front for us and they felt awkward in front of the camera, but we stuck it in their face to capture all anyway. As most of my digital things (pre-new super phone wonderfulness) it's still on the camera, 5 years and counting. Today (13/08) I found out exactly why I haven't charged the video camera. Exhibit A, below. With all these international plugs I can't find the right combination to fit in our power point!! (Kevin, I need you!)
Thinking of you. Grief is a hard thing to navigate but I can tell he was greatly admired and loved by you!
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