Lost

I'm feeling a little lost tonight.  You know those days that have been so full that you are too exhausted to do anymore.  And as it usually is the "doing more" is the stuff that really needs to be done.

Today we went to the Doctor (no appointment) just to get Simon weighed.  Two weeks ago his weight was so low it was off the percentile chart.  But he's short and chubby so it wasn't too much of a concern.  I played "fatten him up" these past two weeks and one week in he had gained 70g (the Doctor would prefer 100g).  Today's verdict was he's gained 130g in two weeks.  Not enough.

Breastfeeding for me (with both of my kids) has been a journey, a long tough road.  One that with Simon, up until about 3 weeks ago I thought I had won.  It took 4 months of expressing and bottle feeding and every now and then breastfeeding attempts to, by 4.5 months be completely breastfeeding, no expressing.  But my supply dropped.  I'm not quite sure where along the track that happened but 3 weeks ago I knew it wasn't so great.  And I toyed with stopping and formula feeding.  There is some part of me that wont accept giving up, like being a real mother is breastfeeding your child.  I know that's not true and I actually have the utmost respect for parents that see what they are given and make the choice to formula feed.  But instead I see it as my duty to put myself through hell to keep it happening.  I'm at the point where I think with a bit of expressing I can increase my supply and carry on but I'm finding it's a confidence thing too.  Back at the 4.5 month mark I had confidence that I can do this and that I was feeding my baby well.  Now my confidence has taken a beating and I keep thinking that my supply just can't cut it.  I know every woman has a different breastfeeding story and this is just mine.

With Simon we are at (via the Doctor's advice) to continue breastfeeding and top up with formula to see if he'll take it.  This morning I "gave" him a bottle with expressed milk and boy I didn't know how stubborn a 6 month old could be.  We had a good 30 minute stand off and in the end I held his head, opened his mouth and shoved the bottle in and he drank it happily.  Sheesh!  I'll also be introducing solids more than once a day.  But that's another story.  Simon is surely the problem child, I can feel it already.

Also, next week we have another Doctor's appointment to get the blood results from today's tests and possibly a referral to a Paediatrician.  This is the time that I just hope the only issue is my supply.

Thanks for listening.